YOU WON’T BELIEVE YOUR EYES : THE UK’S NEWEST HEALTH SECRETARY, Sajid Javid, has already proven he has what it takes to not only carry on the outstanding work of his predecessor Doctor D’eath, but improve on it.
Not content to just adopt some half arsed, misunderstood Darwinian approach to pandemic management, he’s now moving into a kind of interpretive dance magic show with health policy.
The new direction was revealed today at a cosy conference where the megabrain of healthcare showed the public his latest trick.
“It was amaze balls,” one star struck spectator told LCD Views. “He came out onto the stage with a woman in a bunny costume. Old school. She set up a little side table with an NHS waiting list on it and then she handed him a hat and a magic cane. That’s when the magic started.”
While many in the audience expected Mr Javid to make his nubile assistant vanish into thin air, or pull an actual rabbit out of a hat, the maestro of healing had a novel trick up his sleeve.
“The assistant stood by his side turning her hips this way and that and motioning with her hands to the master,” the spectator continued, “Smiling all the way and Mr Javid, the Wizard of National Health, he stood calmly smiling at the audience before slowly waving his wand over the hat.”
What happened next caused all to gasp in shock and surprise.
“He pulled a fully functioning NHS hospital out of the hat! Ten stories tall, complete with staff and machines that go bing! People had to move back from the stage to fit it into the room. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
But of course that is the most accurate statement about the event.
Our keen eyed reporter lingered behind, after Mr Javid had bowed and left the stage, to take a closer look for wires and false doors.
“It’s just a sticking plaster,” they reported back. “It’s soaked in LSD. That will explain the audience reaction.”
Today was just the start of the magic show though. It’s rumoured tomorrow Mr Javid is going to sell more swathes of the NHS off to US health care interests and hope you’re so busy saving up for that hip replacement you don’t notice the National Health Service is vanishing before your eyes.
“It will look like it’s still there, as it will have NHS plastered all over it still. But it’ll be an illusion. Just like NHS Test and Trace.”
But what happened on the side table to the waiting list?
“Oh! It doubled in size! But no one noticed as they were high.”