CHARGRILLED SOVEREIGNTY: Famous piri-piri chicken franchise Nando’s alarmed many when it took the decision to close dozens of British outlets today because of a mysterious lack of chicken.
Clearly there are no suggestions that Brexit is in anyway involved in the supply side crisis. Everyone knows it is the so called pingdemic and how it especially favours EU HGV drivers and hospitality workers. The fact of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland stores being unaffected is a mystery for tomorrow.
“I blame the Home Office,” a grilled chicken analyst told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary is rumoured to have personally demanded the NHS app was made especially sensitive for close contacts who are EU27 nationals. That special message just for them telling them to get out or I’ll come for you, digitally signed by Ms Patel only worsened matters.”
While it’s reassuring for the nation to know that Brexit has nothing whatsoever to do with the chickens missing in action, the famous chain is taking action to rectify the situation and reopen stores.
“I’ve heard they have consulted with government who has threatened to nationalise and then liquidate the business if they do so much as suggest Brexit is involved,” our analyst continues. “Happily though Brexit can actually ride to the rescue with just some minor changes to the menu.”
The changes are said to be replacing chicken with sovereignty.
“Brexit sovereignty is world beating. It lets you push around foreigners across the Channel. It’s essentially a magic spell that bends them to your will. But it can also be worn, used to heat your home, replace spur of the moment short breaks overseas, student exchange programmes and even cooked then served as piri-piri chicken. It’s an amazing substance.”
There is only one potential snag to the solution and that’s the price.
“People will adjust to the cost of sovereignty. Once you get used to paying through the nose for a limited range of choices you’ll be thanking Boris Johnson for chargrilling our trading relationship with Europe.”