RHAID I’R ARCHESGOB FOD YN DAWEL : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson is a forward thinking fellow who appears to have invited all manner of worthy individuals in to save our precious United Kingdom.
Wayward, lazy thinking elites would suggest that a fair and equitable division of power and wealth across the four nations of the Union may help keep it together, but what do they know?
“Mr Johnson set up the Union Unit and put Michael Gove in charge of it to save the Union. He’s the obvious choice because he has a finger firmly on the pulse of all the nations. Admittedly it’s a very slimy finger and it constantly slides off, but that won’t stop Gove,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.
Clearly the greatest driver of risk to the stability and long term future of the United Kingdom is the avocado and sourdough consumption of Londoners. But a careful eye must be cast Sauron like beyond the glass towers of the capital and into the valleys of our septic isle.
“It’s easy to solve the problems in Northern Ireland,” the source advises. “You just deny they exist and blame Europe. Scotland? A healthy and ongoing contempt towards Sturgeon reminds the Scots of their place. As for the Welsh and the growing desire for independence there? Here a divine touch is called for.”
And judging by his recent actions it’s the Archbishop of York who is working his magic here. Although this is just speculation.
“Mr Johnson has been having a really jolly time writing a speech for the Archbishop to give to the Welsh. In English. Telling them to sing God Save The Queen was just the opening gambit. Now we have to strike at the heart of their belief system.”
The heart appears to be dragons.
“Unlike the English flag of Saint George which is in honour of a verifiable Englishman who is known for his realistic and courageous feats, the Welsh flag focuses on a fantasy. We’re not having that!”
To deal with it the Archbishop of York will write a major column in a national paper to explain to the Welsh that dragons aren’t real.
“Once they understand that their desire to be ruled by Tories from Westminster will be undeniable.”
The Archbishop, performing miracles daily until the Union is saved. Not just spouting off any old shite in a self-defeating display to keep the PM happy.