E PLURIBUS UNUM: Under new English Purity regulations, any person in the UK able to speak a foreign language will be deported. Exceptions to this linguistic cul-de-sac include Latin speakers.
“Are langwidge is dyin’,” announced Priti Patel as the policy was unveiled. “Anyone talkin’ forrin will be assumed to be a traitor to Ingerland, and I will be deportin’ them. I will be takin’ decisive action, and I have already appointed Lord Digby Jones to police people droppin’ the “G” off of the endin’ of words.”
Why the exception for Latin?
“Latin, or ‘Lating‘ once Digby gets to work, is an enthrallin’ tong,” snapped Patel. “It’s wot da kidz is lernin’ in da hood, or Eton as you elitists probably call it. It’s been ingrained in the langwidge for, like, years bro, innit, and we isn’t called da Conservative Party for nuffin’!”
Schadenfreude aside, what do the Great British People think? LCD Views visited the brand-new internment camp for people who don’t speak like Jacob Rees-Mogg.
“It’s cowing ridiculous!” said Perry Barr from Birmingham. “I’m in here because I said ‘Bostin’ to a policeman!”
Barr revealed that the camp was full of Scots, Welsh, Scousers and Geordies, the Welsh and Gaelic speakers in solitary confinement.
“We ‘ave to tike elocution lessons, roight,” said Barr. “To mike us tork proper posh. If you won’t say ‘parse the grarse’ they put you on the next floight to Ascension Oisland.”
The camp manager, Job Sworth, had a different slant on things.
“If one is in England, one must speak the Queen’s English,” he declared in impeccable Received Pronunciation. “Use of anything else, except Latin of course, is evidence of intellectual elitist EU-loving treachery.” Bostin is not an English word. Would Jacob Rees-Mogg say Bostin? No. Would the Queen say Bostin? No. Precisely the point. This anti-democratic use of non-English words and phrases must be stamped out or we will all end up speaking German!”
Wunderbar.