RETURN ON INVESTMENT : Terrifying scenes in the homes and offices of right wing, fashy, gobshite opinion formers and their bankrollers this week as the NHS app seems suddenly determined to keep people alive.
“We’ve had to sedate half the work force,” an insider at the Fashtator told LCD Views. “The sheer irresponsibility of allowing the great unwashed to take pre-emptive action to delay death is staggering. This is not the Tory Britain we campaign for. Won’t somebody think of the share prices of commercial landlords? It’s a pandemic of pain and the inherited wealth is feeling it more than some work-shy A&E nurse.”
The decision of the NHS App to become suddenly efficient is worrying many, especially at the heart of government.
“It’s baffling,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “We all assumed it would never function as we promised. It was just supposed to be an icon and billions out the back door to our chums. The weak of the herd would be culled carrying about a smart phone with a dumb app. This is like Stonehenge suddenly glowing at night and emitting an electromagnetic field as its alien builders prepare to return and take away our tax havens. Chilling stuff. It’s clearly nothing to do with letting the virus rip and one in sixty-five Britons having the virus last week.”
But the most searing criticism is from the VIP channel of Tory Party friends and donors. To say they are unimpressed is to understate it. They have zero concern whether or not humans who can’t be bothered to be born privileged live or die.
“We paid good money to prop up Johnson’s catastrophic regime in the expectation of a sizeable return on investment. First via Brexit and now the pandemic. Disaster capitalism 101. It’s perfect. We expect the people to die! This is outrageous. Next you’ll be expecting us to supply useable PPE.”