In an exclusive interview with lcdviews today, Lord Darth Vader made the staggering claim that the Death Star was originally nothing more than a plan to avoid tax. ‘It all began long ago in a far away galaxy when some of the richest men on a planet called Earth came up with what they thought would be a tax-loss generating idea whereby they’d build space ships solely for the shits and giggles.’
Apparently, the three men, now known only by their warrior names Amazon, Virgin and Elon the Strange, were approached by a wise accountant who suggested that relocating their sources of great riches ‘off-planet’ would put profits beyond the reach of any terrestrial tax regime. The accountant, whose name has been lost in the mists of time, said, ‘Zero taxes you will incur, if your cards right you play.’
Lord Vader continued, ‘After that it was a short step to building firstly a space station so that the three could spend the requisite time off-planet, and then to adding the little luxuries such as a swimming pool, Michelin starred restaurant, five star hotel, artificial ski slope and interplanetary death rays. This last innovation was a very useful addition to the scheme as it meant that not only did they avoid tax, but they were also able to charge it. Earth of course challenged this in the Courts but by obliterating a couple of minor countries, the new state, or ‘Empire plc’ as it became to be known, persuaded the Judges that they had a point.
Over the following millennia, the artificial planet grew and under careful management diversified from top end tourism for Earthlings to galactic domination. ‘One of the fundamentals of good business is to recognise the need for change,’ said Vader, ‘and to acquire and divest as appropriate. It is sad but inevitable that we had to divest a few planets on the way but we are were we are.’
Asked about rebel shareholders, Vader, after a few moments, produced from his cloak a strange looking object. ‘Have you seen my new cigarette lighter?’ he said.