Sajid Javid to appoint a mistress “in the near future”

GETTING YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT: Freshly minted Health Secretary Sajid Javid has promised to carry on his predecessor’s great work. Accordingly, one of his first acts will be to recruit a mistress.

This is not just world beating, but follows the noble precedent set by Boris Johnson. Bonking Boris’ immediate priority on becoming PM was to install his own personal harem, so that he was never more than half an hour away from a generously proportioned blonde filly.

Hancock too recruited a lover. “This is only to be expected,” remarked political commentator Deepa Harder. “Our MPs lead busy lives, and it is actually de rigeur that they play away when they are away from their other half. Work hard, bonk hard, that’s the unwritten rule. There is a ministerial Philandering Fund to help busy, irresponsible MPs to get their end away.”

A Freedom of Information request revealed that Javid has applied for the full amount available. “He is hoping to get on the job, I mean, get on with the job, as soon as possible,” Harder reveals. “There are plenty of well-connected married women wanting a bit on the side, I mean, a bit of extra pocket money, for 15 days work a year. That amounts to an hour’s bonking every day, so really it’s a win-win situation.”

And it’s not just women who are queueing up to take advantage of the loosening of standards in public office.

“There are literally hundreds of thrusting young men bursting at the chance of a Westminster internship,” reveals Harder. “Most seem quite happy to satisfy the urges of the likes of Liz Truss, for example, or Priti Patel, in order to experience the corridors of power. There are even some who are quite happy to take on Michael Gove.”

So once this appointment has been made, in the near future, The Saj can get on with his real task of screwing the NHS.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *