G YOURSELF UP : The United Kingdom is to follow its world beating success at hosting the recent G7 summit in Cornwall by hosting the first ever G1 next month.
It’s believed Prime Minister Boris Johnson will announce this evening the timing of the G1 after he informs the great British public that full lockdown easing will be delayed for four weeks because “he screwed up the pandemic plan by just not caring overly much about public health, again.”
The date the G1 begins will be on “Freedom Day” as that is felt most appropriate to really showcase post Brexit Britain to the British press. Only the Great British press will be invited to the event to ensure client journalists turn up and not some pesky foreign types intent on undermining Brexit by talking Britain down. For this purpose Channel 4 will be classed as foreign press and moved to immigration detention in Kent.
“The G1 will show the entire world the extend of Global Britain’s influence,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Only inviting ourselves will send a strong and unequivocal message to foreigners about who is best. Also how we intend to take advantage of the newfound freedoms made available by reclaiming our sovereignty.”
The summit will feature all the same high points as the recent G7 with the addition of a series of domestic announcements.
“Boris Johnson will agree to outlaw the use of metric with himself and the imposition of imperial for all important measurements. Especially sausages and bananas.”
The conclusion of the summit will also mirror the triumphant closure of the G7 with the PM swimming in the sea on his own.
“Only this time he will keep swimming towards the horizon where a submarine will surface and collect him. He will never be seen again but it’s okay, as Carrie will then reign in his place instead to ensure strong and stable government from 55 Tufton Street continues unimpeded.”
The nationality of the submarine hasn’t been revealed but it’s believed it will be “Russian”.