JUST ONE MORE PUSH : Downing Street is said to have given the green light to plans to have the PM’s mistress turned next ex-wife experience a second miracle birth.
The dramatic and impressive planning is said to have been in the works for sometime and ready to go in response to any significant downward shift in polling.
Last week’s historical testimony from former poll fluffer Dominic Cummings is thought to be behind the decision to stage the miracle birth “ASAP”.
“We’ve already pulled off the revenge wedding, but surprisingly the latest marriage of a serial adulterer who leaves fatherless children in his wake to the woman who decided to become his mistress when his wife at the time was undergoing treatment for cancer hasn’t set the nation’s pulses racing. Which is a surprise.”
The birth will occur at dawn any day now just as soon as “the special effects company engaged on a confidential basis” has rigged the central London Churchill statue to cry tears of blue, red and white at the same time.
The spectacle is thought to further the PM’s aim of eventually becoming a saint after his completely uncynical conversion to the Catholic faith.
“Hopefully we can pull off the trifecta and have a spitfire fly over the moment the miracle occurs. This should see polling secured for months to come, regardless of how many people perish in the next avoidable wave.”
The only sour note appears to be within the parliamentary Tory party itself with dozens of incredibly thick cannon fodder MPs unable to grasp that “green light” means given the go ahead and not the colour of the lighting that will be used during the sound and light spectacle.
“The PM will met with Francois, Bridgen and all the other planks later today to explain the situation. He has not gone work and green. It’s just a turn of phrase. It is hoped after that they will establish a bogus research group and further milk some taxpayer’s money to explore the difference. And no one will discuss the pandemic body count.”