DRESS FOR SUCKESS : The UK’s very own superhero, Matt “Life Saver” Hancock, has announced he has undergone a dramatic makeover to bring his public image into line with his rich, internal fantasy life.
Previously Mr Hancock has been dressed like your average mortal, but now thanks to his inspiring and tireless efforts during the pandemic he’s going to dress how he wants to be seen.
“It doesn’t matter when danger strikes,” Matt will tell the press later today. “It can be at night, it can be in the morning, it can be at lunchtime, it can be early evening, maybe around supper time, or even elevenses, I will be there for you. I won’t be watching Don’s character assassination of me because I’ll be saving lives. The financial lives of party donors mostly. Whether you need a multi-billion pound transfer authorised as part of a dodgy PPE deal. Or maybe you’re a nurse who will just perish if they don’t get a ‘Care’ badge? I will save you. And if you’ve ever bought me a pint I’ll save you the time of WhatsApping me for a PPE contract. Hold fast! I’m on the way.”
The new look is said to be modelled on the classic dress designs favoured by the iconic, life saving superheroes of the last century.
“You will know when you see me swooping passed a care home as fast as I can go that you saw me because my underwear will be worn on top of my trousers from here on. Look up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s one of the worst mortality rates on earth in the pandemic!”
Critics have been quick to point out though that simply wearing his underwear on top will not bring back the dead.
”When I stand too close to you and invade your personal space like a complete weirdo you won’t be worrying about catching a killer cold. You’ll be looking for a means of escape!”
Up! Up! And away! It’s not just any old cock! It’s Matt Hancock! And yes, that is a sock and he is happy to see you!