Matt Hancock says he didn’t watch Dominic Cummings testimony as he was busy “saying lies”

MATT DOOR MATT : Dominic Cummings shocked anyone paying attention yesterday by not gaslighting, for a while. The weirdness of hearing testimony which matches lived experience led to a feeling of elation for many. You are not going crazy. Your impression of the Johnson government as a toxic, shambling shit shower of unnecessary death is correct. Yippe!

Not everyone was happy though. Not supporters of Matt “the men who died on those beaches” Hancock, who came in for some heavy, heavy petting from former super genius Dom.

”Matt doesn’t know what Dom said about him yet. He was too busy operating on a higher plain. You should see him when he revs up. It’s like watching a force of nature. You ever left an apple so long in a fruit bowl that it slowly shrivels, gets mouldy, the insides liquify and leak out, then there’s just a blackened and dried out curl of something almost unidentifiable? Like that. That’s Matt.”

How Matt will react when he learns that Cummings says he is an incompetent liar who should have been sacked 15-20 times isn’t entirely clear. Rage isn’t plausible. He may get angry, but apart from crowding out your personal space he is not credible as a physical threat.

“He’ll lie of course,” Matt’s supporter reveals. “He’ll say something ridiculous like he didn’t watch as he was saving lives. Not a shred of credibility about the statement, but he’ll say it. It’s what he does. He lies. It’s how he honours those men who died on the beaches. He’s very special.”

Perhaps a more honest statement from Matt would be that he didn’t watch as he was out there “saying lies”.

“But that would be honest. That’s not how you manage a pandemic, except when you’re replying to messages about PPE contracts on WhatsApp.”

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