FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE OF LAZINESS : It’s not just the BBC that needs a good, old fashioned shake up to ensure it is unfit for tomorrow. COBRA, the emergency committee that meets in times of national crisis, is also in the firing line after coming in for severe criticism.
“It’s a boring talking shop at the moment,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Just grey men naysaying. There’s some nasty coffee and some stale sandwiches provided. You’d be lucky to get Svalbardi or even fffing Evian. It’s no wonder the PM can’t be bothered to turn up half the time. If you have to listen to a bunch of gloomsters talk the country down. The least you can expect is some good catering.”
Happily for the Prime Minister Tory Party donors are currently being canvassed to see who is prepared to chip in and save the nation.
“We are confident that the food and drink on offer at COBRA will be more in line with the Prime Minister’s expectations in future. Although having meetings in the morning is a dead cert fail. Disasters really need to be scheduled for after lunch. Sometime in the late afternoon, before dinner. COBRA only has itself to blame. And you can make a good case that the pandemic has been a bloody sight worse than it needed to be. Imagine if there was caviar, champagne and some girls dressed as old school Playboy bunnies on hand as waitresses? He wouldn’t have missed a meeting.”
Clearly if COBRA can’t lift its game, just like the BBC, it will have to be outsourced to private contractors, but it does have a chance if a donor can be found.
“We’ll be renaming it ‘The Champagne and Wallpaper Hour’. That way we’ll get both Boris and Carrie along and after the nibbles we can get down to the serious business of something like Montrachet 1978 from Domaine de la Romanée-Conti? You’ll see. Attendance will skyrocket. We’ll probably get the entire cabinet!”
Make COBRA Fun! – that might help too. There’s nothing that can’t be improved with a snappy slogan, not even a national crisis. Just think of “Get Brexit Done” if you doubt us!