BEEFY : 10 DOWNING STREET are not in the mood today to hear any criticisms over the proposed FTA with the Aussies and what it means for British farms. In fact they’re in a decidedly bullish frame of mind.
“It really is rather tiresome,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When will farmers get it through their soil encrusted heads that they’re about as much use to us as fisherman now? I mean. Seriously. Boris has got better things to do than listen to them moan about long term feasibility and the ramifications of the government’s short term political expediency. Have you seen the state of that gold wallpaper? Who would have thought using actual gold would make the paper so heavy it won’t stick to the walls? You learn something new every day.”
The farmers have certainly learned something new today. Namely that if a bunch of plummy voiced chancers came by promising you a golden future, the accent shouldn’t let you forget they’re chancers.
“We’re going to move on from the farming farrago now,” the source informs. “We’ve had a special new Union Flag commissioned to celebrate the world beating deal we’ve agreed with the Aussies. Brexit is triumphant! That’s all that is important. Food security can wait. Let’s celebrate!”
The aforementioned flag is certainly impressive and a sign of what British ingenuity can achieve when let loose and separated from the naysayers.
“It’s the first hormone injected flag anywhere in the world to my knowledge,” the source beamed. “It’s so muscly. Do you see the way the meat ripples in the breeze? It’s almost erotic. It’s going to be bloody difficult keeping the hands of passers by off it! And the bonus is if anyone sets fire to it in a protest they’ll just be having a barbecue! Hormones are great! Put some on your plate.”