WRAP IT IN A FLAG AND CALL IT BRITISH: The truly patriotic government is encouraging us to buy British beef. At the same time it is plotting to flood our supermarkets with Australian meat.
This is not a problem. “Consumers will always have the choice,” claims the trusty anonymous Downing Street source. “And we will make the choice easier by sticking a Union Jack on packets of meat that we decide are British, wherever the meat originates from.”
How does this give consumers a choice? And is that legal?
“You can always choose to buy British, or go hungry,” said the source. “As for the rest of your question, in my opinion it is not worthy of an answer.”
“The legality of the proposal is an insignificant detail,” confirmed Pack O’Lies, one of Liz Truss’s minions. “If an item – a 500g packet of stewing beef, for example, is in Britain, then it’s British, innit? Simple as that. The flag wrapper merely confirms it!”
Does the same logic apply to people? Once they are in the country, they count as British?
“Don’t be ridiculous,” snapped O’Lies. “Foreign means foreign, however many Union Jack t-shirts they wear. Expect a call from Priti Patel’s ethnic cleansing bouncers within the hour.”
With that, O’Lies abruptly ended the call.
Brexit has opened up many more exciting opportunities like this. The government has given the green light to exploit the public in a gloriously Imperial way. After all, we conquered Australia, and sent them our people. Therefore, the Aussies are basically Brits, and their country is essentially an extension of England (even New South Wales). This means we win the Ashes every single time, and nobody will notice if cheap and nasty kangaroo meat accidentally enters the food chain.
The only downside is in shipping meat half way around the globe, when we could so easily buy better quality beef from Ireland. But no, that’s pouring money into the coffers of the evil EU.
You can shove it up your Union Jacksie.