BOWING DOWN BEFORE YOUR BETTERS : Encouraging advice for British farmers today from Downing Street and former UKIP candidate George Useless.
“Farmers should not take all this chit chat about beefy great Brexit trade deals as a warning about their futures,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They should see it as the exciting opportunity to choose between being bribed off cheaply into a depressed and obscure retirement, or a great chance to retrain. To upskill. To upcycle themselves for the great world of tomorrow.”
The opportunities for farmers are of course endless. Especially those who have always dreamed of going into domestic service.
“Butlers will be in demand once the farms are sold off and the food they used to produce replaced with cheap imports from the Pacific region. Someone has to open the doors of the McMansions that will be built for a select clique of international tax dodgers. Why not be a butler? Or a maid? Or a groom? Or a groundsman if you want to stay close to the soil. This would be best. We won’t be importing any low rent EU labour. The Russian, the Chinese, the American man who will be the lord of your manor will want the correct accent when he stays that one week a year in his whitewashed cash mansion. Dinner is served Sir. With a rustic tone. As he gazes over the rolling hills upon which cattle used to roam.”
But if someone feels they’re not cut out for domestic service there is another opportunity.
“Spitfire pilots. Farmers can retrain as Spitfire pilots. We will need a lot of WW2 re-enactments to keep the populace in the right mental box to make a success of Brexit.”
Take heart farmers. The Tories last had untrammelled power in the 80’s. They demolished the traditional industries of what is now the red wall back then and look at the voting patterns in the areas today! Why shouldn’t they just break down your farms and sell them off for parts? You’ll get to like it. In the future a new generation of Tories will come along and offer you some flags.