NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Deep concern across the United Kingdom today that Dido Harding is suffering from overwork after she was rumoured to have been hired to track and trace the benefits of Brexit.
Fingers are even being pointed at the Prime Minister and questions asked over whether or not he should hire Ms Harding a bigger team of management consultants? While the UK Gov retains the capacity to print money it would be possible to print whatever is required. After all, those offshore bank accounts aren’t going to just fill themselves. It is a politically viable strategy in the short to medium term too, as local authority budgets can be further squeezed and they can levy greater local taxes to fill in any holes created by central government.
“It will be okay,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Indian variant will soon be in all corners of the country and there will be no need to carry on looking for it, as it will be everywhere. Thus the crack team of bloodhounds can turn to locating Brexit benefits.”
In spite of Downing Street’s confident demeanour the tracking and tracing of Brexit benefits will not just be a domestic issue and will require international travel. This is surprisingly difficult in a pandemic, although government is said to be up to the task or risking it.
“Admittedly all the benefits of Brexit so far are international,” the source says, before shrugging. “Trillions in trading have left London for EU and US destinations. The fishing industry is stuffed, presumably to the advantage of the Scandinavians? Who knows. Someone will have to look into that. We can add it to Dido’s to do list. It will only need a budget increase of a few more billions to get the answers. Maybe.”
The one big advantage Ms Harding will have is that so far only Australia, New Zealand and a few other countries no one talks about have banned incoming travel from the UK. Thus she doesn’t need to look there. But for anyone concerned that Ms Harding may again come up with empty hands in spite of the money spent, Downing Street has a fall back position.
“We’ll just lie about it. If that doesn’t work we’ll blame the Europeans. It worked to get Brexit done, presumably if we just keep blagging we can make a success of it. We already drafted a press release claiming that British air is only oxygenated because of Brexit.”