TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A DOSE OF PLAGUE PLEASE : Great news today with the pubs refilling after months of closure. And it’s not just a great step forward for punters, it proves that Boris Johnson’s government is making a success of managing the pandemic. Ignore the naysayers and get the rounds in. The catastrophic bungling of the pandemic so far has the hospitality industry on its knees. You have to do your patriotic duty and save it.
“Clearly the spread of the Indian variant need not concern anyone,” a 10 Downing Street herd immunity advocate said. “Get stuck in! Just remember to maintain social distancing when you’re blathered.”
Whether or not the next stage in unlocking should have been delayed until the extent of spread of the new, more transmissible variant is understood is really only a subject of discussion for anyone paying attention.
“Look at the polling numbers! We’ve a country so gaslit now the government can get away with anything. 150,000 dead? What’s that? We gained council seats in the recent elections. It validates our management. It’s not fair to accuse us of being disinterested in detail. A hell of a lot of effort was put into print last year to undermine the sanctity of life. It’s only old people who are dying, so who really cares? Even old people were saying it. Managing the narrative is the first step, some time after that we get to the virus.”
Mercifully the tabloids are already setting out the stall of blame for any failure from central government. It will be the public’s fault. You can be sure of it.
“We don’t elect representatives to bore themselves senseless learning about risks to public health and mitigating them. We elect them in 21st century Britain to provide a VIP line for uncontested contracts. It’s a well oiled machine, just look at some of the chancers who’ve received multi-million pound PPE contracts.”
Hopefully the vaccine roll out will get in front of the virus and there won’t be a need for another national lockdown. If we’re lucky the avoidable fatalities that are now trickling through the morgues with the preventable spread of the Indian variant will stay at a level that is politically feasible for Mr Johnson and his government.
“We maybe out of the woods now. No one knows. Just be happy we didn’t keep you locked in for a relatively brief period last year like some other countries who pursued a policy of elimination. We have a lot more suspense in day to day life here.”
Just to be on the safe side though if you haven’t decided what path of self-improvement you’ll take in any future lockdown, while you’re raising a jar and tasting freedom in liquid form will be a good time to discuss it.