MONEY IS FUNNY : People across the United Kingdom are smiling into their home brand cornflakes from the local food bank this morning with the news the government is to crackdown on voter fraud.
”It’s not just the food bank users, elderly people who have to sell their homes to pay for end of life care are also deeply reassured,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too people wondering how to export to the EU. I hear a bus was even torched in Northern Ireland when a celebration got out of hand.”
The jubilation is reported to be across all sectors of society with fishermen planning to “sail up the Thames and throw in some dead mackerel outside Westminster Palace.”
Trillions are also said to have left the London Stock Exchange for New York and a few EU destinations. People are that ecstatic.
”Finally I can vote knowing that the person behind me hasn’t queued up to pretend to be someone else who may or may not already be recorded as having cast their one ballot. That’s before they scoot off to the other side of town, where they’re not registered, to try it on again,” one happy punter told us. They wished to remain anonymous in case someone tried to impersonate them in the next GE.
“They need have no fear now,” the Downing Street source says. “Dido Harding is on the case.”
The colossus of viral Track and Trace is back and this time it’s serious.
“She’ll be given a £37bn budget to track and trace every fraudulent ballot. How she spends it is anyone’s guess. We’re not keeping tabs. This is too urgent a mission. But if I was a t-shirt seller in Istanbul, a faceless company registered at a hotel in Hong Kong, a jewellery designer in Florida or had once poured Matt Hancock a pint I’d be trembling in anticipation of being paid tens of millions to play my part.”
Rest assured people of Britannia, Dido is once again unchained.
What to do about it when the voters elect a fraud though? On that the government is silent. Presumably you can just vote them out at the next general election. That’s if Boris Johnson ever decides to call one.