CHAOS ENSUES : 10 Downing Street have ordered all Tory MPs to lower the flags in their living rooms to half mast out of respect.
The special order was given out a little after midnight last night when it occurred to one of the prime minister’s drinking companions that they’re all going to look “bloody disrespectful” doing media interviews for two weeks at full mast.
While the order itself is uncontroversial and a traditional sign of respect, it has immediately led to mass trauma.
No lesser light than Mark Francois is said to have been the first casualty after getting his pinky caught in the rope attempting to lower his flag. Reports say he almost fainted and was only saved by the fact he was so close to the floor already.
He wasn’t the only one though. Rumours say that Matt Hancock nearly drowned. It’s well known he does all his Zoom interviews from his toilet. While lowering his Union Flag the leading edge slipped into the bowl and became wet.
“It was like watching a recreation of D Day,” an anonymous source related. “He dove headfirst into the bowl to save his country’s honour. Only he became wedged and when his hands flailed about to find purchase to prize himself out he accidentally flushed. Still. Respect. We all know the high regard he holds for those men who died on those beaches.”
Those two weren’t individual cases however. The Home Secretary is said to have had trouble undoing the knot on her flag pole and simply got a pair of shears and cut the flag in half.
“She’s now looking for an asylum seeker to blame,” a source says. “Clearly if word gets out that she’s desecrated the Union Flag with her actions she’ll be promoted. She’s having too much fun in her current role.”
Several MPs are said to have turned up at A&E departments across England, having lowered the flag fully by accident and then decided to have a go at pole dancing.
“It’s grim,” a trauma surgeon told LCD, off the record. “I’ve seen bad spinal injuries in my time but a patriotic trauma like this? Recovery will be prolonged. And what about the flags? WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FLAGS?”
It’s believed the calamity has led now to a total media blackout for two weeks so no one has to be faced with the embarrassment of flags in living rooms that can’t physically be lowered out of respect.
“Let’s just hide,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “For the prime minister it’s an opportunity too good to miss.”