British statues to be given self defence training in case police are too busy

SLAVISH DEVOTION : The government has announced a raft of new measures to protect the necrotising vision of our past as set down in stone and brass.

The new, Statue Self Defence Bill, will allow £350m to be earmarked for the self defence training of British statues. The measure comes as a result of vague threats made to the various inanimate objects dotted about the country, and concern for the emotional wellbeing of the statues. There is no mention in the bill of anything credible to protect actual people.

“We can’t have more slavers thrown into rivers,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We’re proud of our history, warts and all, which is why we prefer it is taught without the warts. Especially the really giant infected ones.”

The contract for the self defence training is believed to have already been gifted to a friend of a Tory minister, after a high level meeting in a distant hotel room.

Additional funds will also be set aside for the mass production of miniatures of all statues from our nation’s solely glorious past.

“Each home should have a Colston on its mantelpiece,” the source advises. “Get to know your imperial worthies so you instinctively feel protective of the larger ones found in public spaces.”

The first statue to undergo the training will be Winston Churchill.

“He’s been identified as most at risk by assault by women with flowers,” the source adds. “We aim to have him at black belt grade by the weekend. This way if police are too busy ripping the face masks off women after kettling them, solely to protect them from the plague, Winston will be able to chop, block and kick his way to safety from his immortal plinth.”

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