VARIATIONS ENIGMA: The UK is getting ahead of the curve again. With the Kent Variant, the South Africa Variant, and in all probability the VW Variant surging across Britain, Matt Hancock has made a promise to the nation.
“Every city, town and village will have its very own covid variant by 2024!” claimed the Wealth Means Health Secretary. “We will be ramping up the roll-out of this world beating programme, just as soon as we work out how to use it to justify emptying the Treasury into private pockets!”
Hancock paused to mop his overlarge, perspiring forehead with one of the Union flags that festooned his cubicle. The startled, rabbit in the headlights look continued to haunt his face, and a vein throbbed in his temple as if he were Dominic Raab’s evil twin.
“We are leading the world in this respect!” he crowed, forcing a rictus grin which somehow made him look even crazier. His eyes bulged dangerously in their sockets. “And to ensure the success of the project, it will be headed up by Dido Harding!”
Online pandemonium ensued. Hancock just about managed to disconnect Zoom, and take cover in his mandatory WiFi-free safe room.
The implications are startling. Where could this policy end up?
“Each city, suburb, district, neighbourhood and street could have its own variant,” warned WHO Doctor Reg Eneration. “You could see a different variant in every house. The 23 Acacia Avenue variant could be deadly to the residents of number 21 and 25. Talking over the fence could become an arrestable offence, or would be once the Police Force Variant is under control.”
Stopping the virus from spreading any further seems to be the logical thing to do.
“That assumes that anyone wants to stop mutations,” argued Dr Eneration. “And all the evidence points the opposite way. So we may as well embrace it, literally as well as figuratively. We all have to go one day, after all.”
And there will be a statue of Matt Hancock in every deserted village.