TOTAL TRUSST : The UK’s trade envoy to the stars, Liz Truss, has taken some flack since taking on her purely symbolic role of providing thin gruel for the tabloids to exaggerate, but not today.
Later this morning the U.K. government’s favourite imaginary minister is to tell the Milky Way of her latest coup at a make believe press conference that will be as real as photos of her staged phone calls.
“Last week I met with representatives of the CCCP trade association,” Ms Truss will beam, “and the only thing I wore was a Union Jack!”
And it seems the choice of patriotic fabric was a smart move indeed, as the CCCP also love their flags.
“Comrade Brexitnev said he couldn’t believe how easy it has been to convince the United Kingdom to leave the largest trade bloc right on our doorstep and travel back in time to him. But he said every rouble, dollar, pound and euro spent funding Tory Party MPs had been money well spent, and more than paid for themselves with the returns.”
But unlike the UK’s now defunct membership of the EU, there will be no referendum for the public to say yay or nay over the proposed union of two totalitarian, trade super blocs. The people are spared the overbearing responsibility of a vote this time.
“Initially the great British public won’t notice too much difference,” Ms Truss advised. “But once the choice in the shops reduces and clear open spaces open up on shelves, and diplomatic spats with neighbours that would otherwise never have occurred begin, you’ll know we’re headed only one way.”
Special commemorative coins will be issued announcing the new arrangements and camps built for dissenters.
“Great leader Boris Johnsonov is also to give a speech and exalt the achievements of the fatherland,” Ms Truss added. “A balcony is being attached to 10 Downing Street as we speak and he will wave benevolently as the military parades by.”
It should also be noted that if Mr Johnsonov vanishes for days he’s just drunk, like so many of the strongmen who went before him.
“The new super pact just goes to show that if you believe in something hard enough, than it’s true,” Liz finished. “Just like my job!”