DIGGING FOR BRITAIN: Brexit expert and top Tory fish fetishist John Redwood wants us to grow everything we need in this country. Right now, the UK needs a vaccine for covid, so Redwood is suggesting that we grow our own.
After all, he has already hinted that the UK should become self-sufficient in bananas, tea, and of course fish.
Redwood rarely appears in public these days, his Vulcan blood meaning that Priti Patel is liable to deport him on sight. He directs operations from his secure bunker in a secret location via social media.
As usual, Redwood gives no guidance. But his gang of loyal followers insists that covid vaccine seeds are readily available. It is every Englishman’s duty to cultivate a covid cure, in the sunlit uplands where anything grows.
After all, on Redwood’s advice, we are all stocking our garden ponds with happy, British, fish and chips that spontaneously leap out of the water, battered, fried, and ready to eat, on command.
England is a nation of gardeners, now that the shopkeepers have gone out of business thanks to our Glorious Brexit. Every garden now boasts groves of coffee beans and a feature tea plantation. Banana palms are flourishing in the January cold and rain, fed by Belief In Britain and ample quantities of manure supplied by Redwood himself.
Thanks to Redwood’s patriotic fervour, even the smallest back yard is now capable of supporting a herd of cows. Households up and down the land are joyously cultivating bees, since Redwood has deemed banned pesticides to be harmless. It is truly a land of milk and honey.
But pride of place, next to the magic money tree, and between the coconut palm and the pineapple plant, goes to the Vaccine Bush. This sprouts vials of British vaccine, branded with the Union Jack, whenever an Englishman cries “What ho, old bean!” Huzzah! It’s a triumph of swivel-eyed jingoism over reality.
Or, alternatively, all it means is that Redwood has taken charge of a stash of hallucinogenic drugs belonging to Michael Gove.