DUCK AND COVER : HEDGEHOGS IN THE UK ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AT RISK OF EXTINCTION. DOWNING STREET IS NOT HAVING THAT, WHICH IS WHY THEY ARE RE-INTRODUCING NEONICOTINOIDS FOR ONE, TO REDUCE THE INSECT POPULATION.
But they’re not stopping there, they’re going one better and appointing a hedgehog Tsar to save them.
“Chris Grayling has the job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “with his flair for shifting public money to private pockets, regardless of public outcomes, we should see all one million remaining hedgehogs in the UK safely in the custody of Serco by the weekend.”
And Grayling is believed to have many other ideas for how to save our spiky little friends.
“He’s going to individually shave them, to make them more approachable. And he’ll be feeding them. Pizza mostly, as he still has a hotline to a Pizza Ferry Delivery Service and can get them all a great deal. They won’t starve this winter with a large ham and pineapple pizza delivered to their little doors.”
But critics have suggested that the move is just a publicity stunt as Downing Street scratches about in the dark for a good news story.
“That’s nonsense. We’ve already carparked half the countryside of England for lorry holding zones. The hedgehogs are finding moving about much easier now. And when the post Brexit riots start the hedgehogs will benefit from burnt suburban fencing.”
Of course, as it’s Johnson’s government, the initiative wouldn’t be complete without a slogan.
“Get Hedgehogs Done!”
“It’s catchy! And in Grayling we’ve picked just the man to see hedgehogs through to completion.”
But the hedgehogs don’t seem to thrilled with the drive to save them.
“We’ve started a petition,” a representative of the hedgehog sector told LCD Views, “most of us have signed it already. You lot have done enough already. We demand you keep Chris Grayling as far as f*ck away from us as possible.”