CARRY ON SMIRKIN’ : Home Office supremo Priti Patel has reportedly come up with a solution to the embarrassing loss of 400,000 criminal records by her department.
It was feared that the irrepressible Home Secretary could be in a spot of bother, having been responsible for the potential ruining of masses of trials, but she’s too nimble for that.
“Crisis is opportunity,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “which is exactly what you expect with an ongoing disaster capitalist government.”
And it seems the loss of the records, which is in no way deliberate, is just the chance Ms Patel was seeking.
“She’s going to give everyone in the United Kingdom a criminal record,” the source continues, “that will make up for the loss of the records. Excepting Tory MPs of course, as they’re perpetually immune from any consequence.”
And there’s an added benefit to the criminalising of the entire U.K. population.
“It will mean all foreign born U.K. residents will now be criminals and thus immediately deported. It’s basically perfect. Ms Patel just can’t wipe the smirk off her face.”
It will also mean that all opposition politicians and activists will be criminals, which will accelerate aspects of the Brexit project.
“Losing the records isn’t an accident, it’s a masterpiece of policy formulation.”
And it has apparently lead to a whole new slogan for the Home Office.
Priti Patel – tough on crime, tough on the records of crime.