FURLOUGH THE FURLONGS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to address the most pressing concern across the United Kingdom this evening when he addresses the nation at 8pm.
While some nanny state minded types are handwringing over education and protecting the elderly, those with their finger on the real pulse of the nation’s elite are concentrating on more important matters.
“It is vital that we end the pandemic in time for the 2021 Cheltenham Festival,” the Prime Minister is expected to say, “while at times I have felt like Atlas struggling to hold an entire orb of Covid aloft, when it comes to kicking off the racing calendar I am to throw off the toga and become like Speedy Gonzales!”
He is expected to go on to pledge that a great national effort is called for “once more upon the beach, dear dad!” to end the pandemic once and for all.
“It is a race against time now to see who will win as we enter the closing stages. In the next few months everyone in the UK will have received either a shot, half a shot, something vaguely resembling a shot of a CV-19 vaccine, or caught Covid-19. Certainty is upon us! Let us lift up our faces to the heavens and drink in the rain of plenty! Tomorrow is a better day! Regardless of what I did to ruin today! Ha!”
To ensure the pandemic is wrapped up and the money banked by various vested interests a special task force will be set up.
“If necessary I will take personal control of Operation Cheltenham, but I have, for now, instructed Track and Trace to locate Dido Harding and she’s going to have first crack of the whip at it!”