LOCK IT DOWN : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is understood to be taking the rest of the month off, in order to recover from a unique and unprecedented ordeal.
“It was simply terrifying,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but the people’s prime minister rose to the challenge when duty called.”
The challenge initially involved finishing lunch earlier than planned.
“Well, that was a matter of some debate with the rest of the cabinet. Al only got up around 11am. He accidentally wandered into his office, instead of the bathroom. His eyes were a little bleary from the night before. I don’t think he noticed Gove sitting behind his desk pretending to sign a declaration of war against Wales. But after he had freshened up he made it to the dining room. There ensued a fierce discussion with Carrie over whether or not he was actually having breakfast, lunch or in reality brunch? It was a very charming family scene. They both switched to fluent Russian. Which made the painting with the camera and microphone smile. Boris had to employ some half remembered classical allusions to win out. Something about Medusa and internecine conflict in a wool shop with Theseus. He eventually got his full English, with pheasant, and called it brunch.”
Clearly that would have been enough of a day’s work for your average prime minister, but fate had more in store for Boris Johnson.
“It was as he was using the table cloth to wipe the mustard off his lips that it happened. Dominic sauntered in and made the shocking announcement. Boris was going to have to talk to the nation. Normally he loves this kind of thing, but given he was going to have to contradict everything he’d been saying for the past several weeks over CV-19 lockdowns, it was a little ticklish. But worst of all. It looked like work, it smelt like work and it felt like work. And it was a Saturday.”
What followed thereafter was televised. The aftermath will be endured in private, with friends, with donors, and almost certainly some arts and crafts.
“He’s busily painting a bus he made out of an empty crate of Pinot Shattuer Clusterfook 2016 to 2020 Ongoing vintage. And it is hoped he will make a full recovery in time to announce the closing of schools in a few weeks time. After the current half arsed attempt to look like they’re doing something other than making friends richer via Covid plays out.”