TANTRIC COVID : “They say that running a country is like making love to a beautiful woman,” prime minister Boris ‘Bawbag’ Johnson is expected to tell the nation this afternoon, “only you’re doing it while watching over your shoulder for your wife to enter the room, as it’s happening during a christening of some sprog belonging to some party donor or other, you can’t really remember. So perhaps your eye isn’t firmly on the job in hand. You should really have shaken off your private security first, what if they can’t be relied upon to keep the missus away? It’s hard to get into the grove with so much on the mind. More so because you’re also wondering about making love to that hot little filly you spotted earlier at the church, and having to fight a court battle over paternity of a child you don’t want to acknowledge while trying to get off a mental tripwire so thin your flat feet are being painfully creased. And none of it helped by having a speech to finish writing in which you’re considering invoking Agamemnon. Not only to prove you half slept through a classics tutorial one summer long past, but because you’re considering passing a law forcing Argos to change its name to something British. Would that play well to the baying mob? Now, where were we? That’s right! Wondering if you can serve Domaine de la Romanee at the little bash the girlfriend is determined to throw, and claim it back on expenses? Ticklish.”
And then he will turn his attention to Covid and the easily avoidable second national lockdown, if only the government wasn’t managing Covid-19 on a calculation of how many daily deaths are survivable politically.
Everyone clap for Boris.