AND WHAT DO YOU DO : QUEEN ELIZABETH II, second of her name, ruler of a rapidly shrinking dominion, has asked 21 year old Manchester United football star Marcus Rashford to form a government.
The surprising move comes after a week in which the outgoing administration of Boris Johnson refused to feed the children its own policies are largely responsible for making hungry.
Mr Rashford is understood to have accepted the request from the monarch and begun selecting his cabinet.
“As the office of the Prime Minister is not established by law, but relies on long established convention, it’s perfectly legitimate for Mr Rashford to assume the office, even though he is not a member of Parliament,” our legal eagle reassures.
“It’s understood that the coveted position of Home Secretary has already been accepted by Jürgen Klopp,” our correspondent continues, “and we can expect a markedly different approach to the policies of the department from the outgoing Priti Patel.”
Harry Maguire is expected to accept the position of Secretary of State for Defence and Raheem Sterling to be Chancellor – although a spokesman for the new prime minister insists it’s not just because of his surname.”
The first responsibility of the new government will clearly be feeding vulnerable children and looking for ways to reverse the damaging policies of the last 10 years of Tory rule.
“Remainers can anticipate joy too,” our correspondent suggests, “as it’s likely that Mr Rashford will look to reverse the frankly daft and self defeating decision by Boris Johnson’s administration to abandon freedom of movement across Europe. A young man that fleet of foot is going to want to travel to all areas of the continental pitch, as he likes.”
A first Queen’s Speech is currently being drafted in what is being seen as a move that reflects the “will of the people” and secures for Queen Elizabeth II a prime minister who doesn’t shame her with his every word and deed.
Dominic Cummings and the other Vote Leave gang were last seen legging it from 10 Downing Street in replay of scenes played out earlier in the pandemic.