GCSE results to be allocated by Camelot

THE POSTCODE LOTTERY: You’ve got to be in it to win it, says the latest Cummings-nominated fall guy. Camelot aims to avoid the A level fiasco by ensuring every player – I mean, student – has the same opportunities.

“The grades need to be allocated on a completely fair basis,” claimed the fall guy, education minister Tom Foole. “It’s a level playing field, which we have not only levelled up, but ramped up. All students requesting a grade…”

What’s that? You mean have to ASK to be graded?

“Obviously,” replied Foole. “Then they must buy a ticket…”

BUY the opportunity to get a grade?

“It’s how things work,” stammered Foole, starting to look shifty now. “Tickets will be available from Monday, for only £10 each. You can buy as many as you like. The local draws are to take place on Wednesday, before the winners are announced on Thursday morning!”

Hang on. WINNERS?

“Yes, no, I mean, everyone’s a winner, aren’t they?” he improvised wildly. “I, err, misspoke. You can increase your chances though, by purchasing more than one ticket. Results will be distributed on Thursday, and there will be photo opportunities for pretty posh girls which will take place on Tuesday.”

Two days BEFORE the results are out?

“We already know which schools will get the best results,” said Foole.

Not much levelling up there.

“Obviously there will be local variations,” explained Foole. “Every LEA has historical exam data, so the balls in the local lottery machine will reflect this.”

So nothing will change. And students who have studied hard for years will be graded on the results that last year’s students were awarded.

“It’s consistent!” insisted Foole. “And easy. And the algorithm fits neatly on the back of a fag packet!”

And your mates will be creaming off the profits. This just embeds the status quo.

“Get used to it, it’s the most important lesson our minions need to learn,” said Foote harshly before exiting, pursued by a bear.

There is a bonus ball. The lucky winner gets top grades and easy opportunities for life. And the bonus ball winner is… Lord Galahad Poshington-Smythe of Eton School! Hoorah!

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