FOLLOWING THE ARS-ON SCIENCE : Pants Fire extraordinaire chief, Boris “accelerant” Johnson, has today confirmed the U.K. has moved forward.
“It happened while I was asleep,” Mr Johnson said, with words some suspected were designed to avoid accountability.
“So sometime between 2am and 11:30am today the country ramped up CV-19.”
Mr Johnson said it was really “a stroke of luck” that he woke up so early, or he may not have known before afternoon tea.
The new stage appears to build on the earlier work done by the FUBAR strategy of pandemic management.
“We are controlling the virus,” he went on, “with our initial policies we’re controlling it all over the country. We’ve really levelled up London and the north. And we’re a long way to solving the social care crisis, just as promised.”
The public can expect to enjoy the benefits of the latest stage as they resume using mass transport to go to workplaces unfit for viral control.
“By pouring petrol on the blaze we can get it over faster and begin to rebuild,” Mr Johnson beamed, “while other countries are still chasing their tails we’ll be siftng through the rubble to see what stone is good to rob and re-erect mighty Britannia on the world stage!”
But for voters who will be nostalgic for the two months of Schrödinger’s lockdown, Mr Herd Immunity has words of reassurance.
“You’ll still be able to hear me fiddling. It’s about all I do. So like Theseus finding himself suddenly in a hair dresser with the Gorgon, stay alert for important passages of improvisation in the mood music. You should be able to detect them through the sound of the UK’s crackling roof timbers.”