Welcome to the herd! Continuous criticism of the way Boris Johnson and his chums have handled the covid-19 crisis has had an un-herd-of consequence. The government is now completely immune to criticism.
As usual, Boris Johnson has been misleading from the front. He shakes off negative comments with ease. “Criticism? Must be doing something right, old boy,” he was herd to remark by a Downing Street ‘source’. “Like water off a duck’s arse, wiff waff, keep calm and hide in a fridge and all that.”
Upon hearing this nauseating drivel, government lickspittle Laura Kuenssberg practically wet herself, before penning another embarrassing love letter to Johnson.
Emboldened ministers have followed suit. Matt Hancock now feels that he can be patronising, smug and rude while telling people to watch their tone.
Priti Patel is so convinced by her own numeracy skills that she thinks she should be Education Secretary.
Dominic Raab can now locate Dover on a map (with a little help). This means that he now believes he knows where Foreign is, so he is free to be the best Foreign Secretary ever.
As a treat, therefore, Chris Grayling has ordered a celebratory ferry with garlic bread and extra mozzarella.
This outpouring of misplaced confidence shows how effective the herd immunity strategy has been. To explain its mysteries, we consulted eminent expert Dr Sigmund Fraud.
“The strategy displays a triumph of ego over reality,” opined Dr Fraud. “Johnson’s blithe optimism and utterly misplaced confidence have infected the entire government.”
You must have a cure. Tell us there is a cure.
“There is a cure,” lied Dr Fraud. “But, seriously, covid-19 is like foot and mouth disease. The only way to neutralise it is mass culling. Or, if that seems slightly inhuman, letting infected people die, and brand it as nature taking its course.”
And how can the immunity to criticism be tackled?
“That requires unwavering exposure to facts and reality,” said Dr Fraud. “Unfortunately, much of the press and the opposition have developed herd immunity to facts and reality. The good news is that it’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes. It only takes one person to point out the truth to the sufferer to put them on the road to recovery.”
And so the government marches on, like a herd of elephants in the room.