CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE : The Treasury is back in the limelight today as wonder kid Rishi confirms (Tory backer pleasing changes) to the Coronavirus furlough scheme.
“We all saw how George Eustice suffered when impoverished Britons wouldn’t pick his family crops, in spite of Brexit,” an aide to Downing Street told LCD Views, “of course the reason is obvious. We’ve allowed the plebs to live like inheritance millionaires. This has to stop.”
The deeper concern is also that allowing everyone to have a holiday may lead to demands to conditions similar to MPs.
“Of course there are very many hardworking MPs who do not take the absolute piss,” the source looked baffled, “but there are also gold star MPs for who all those holidays and expenses on the public purse aren’t really enough. We can’t have the people living like that. Who is going to bail out the banks next time they’re in crisis?”
Changes to the scheme will allow beneficiaries to “Choose Their Own Adventure”.
“You’ll get to pick between fruit picking, migrant spotting with Nigel Farage or shagging Boris Johnson.”
But what about conscientious objectors?
“Oh, they’ll get to work on Covid-19 wards with what we deem as suitable protection. Just after we ease out of lockdown, as timed to please the Telegraph, Mail and other democratic, humanist bastions.”