UK 100K CV-19 tests DAILY milestone hit by counting “any test on anything at all, even home school maths”

IF A SERVING MINISTER IS THROWN UNDER A BUS BEING DRIVEN BY BORIS JOHNSON : UK HEALTH AND SOCIAL CLEANSE MINISTER MATT HANCOCK HAS FACED SOME STICKY SITUATIONS DURING HIS STELLAR RISE IN BRITISH POLITICS.

But none stickier than the dramatic u-turn he performed to become health minister. We spoke to a fictional Matt, who maybe more reliable than the real public persona Matt, to find out more.

“It’s really encouraging to hear that some left wing, liberal, avocado munching, elite, latte drinking snowflakes are starting to feel inklings of sympathy for me,” Matt nodded, like a dog, shown a treat by a Boris Johnson.

“But they shouldn’t. All you have to do is remember how I invoked the war dead in service of my personal ambitions? Then just as rapidly threw them under the bus, in the service of my personal ambitions? I’m not a very sympathetic character. I’m just a man waving, not drowning, as Cummings demands I oversee a public health crisis as first and foremost, a PR disaster.”

This is all good. It allows the disaster capitalists to be busy in the background, even as dead nurses, insufficiently equipped with PPE, pile up at the base of the daily briefing podium?

“That’s very possible.”

But what about the 100K tests? That target, which you set yourself, seems likely to be missed?

“Not if we use the same magic that we use on mortality rates, which is like the statistical magic we worked on unemployment stats. There’s lies, damned lies, and Tory MPs with statistics. Looking at it this way we’ve already hit the target!”

Wow! Well done. That was easier than many expected.

“Yes. We now count any test on anything at all performed anywhere in the UK in the 100K. It makes for a really big number. The UK is performing billions of tests each and every day. Just the exasperated parents home schooling their kids in maths and English get us over the 100K on their own.”

Congratulations Matt. The desire to achieve herd immunity, while simultaneously solving the social care crisis, was looking a bit sticky, what with the Germans doing actual CV-19 tests by the millions.

“Thanks. Can I have a treat now?”

How about a badge that says ‘Matt’?

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