NURSE! NURSE! : Recently rediscovered, non-rehabilitated, UK 2020 Hide ‘n Seek Championship front runner Priti Patel, has responded to conspiracy theories trundling about social media that PM BJ didn’t really have CV-19.
“You don’t need to tell me I’m as disappointed as the next drone,” a smiling Patel beamed for the cameras, “when I heard that the greatest prime minister of the twentieth and twenty first years of the 200,000,2020,200 and twenty, th, century was in hospital I had a hard time wiping the smirk off my face.”
But wipe it she did, which is no mean feat, considering it’s a defensive shield against a world that too often disagrees with Ms Patel’s sums.
“Something doesn’t add up,” she continued, “I’ll grant you that, before deportation. Raab, Rishi and 40th to the power of minus times 30ish people are in front of me to be PM should Mr Johnson throw it all in and run off with a nurse he met while staying at the big doctor house. How is that? Two plus two should equal PM Patel!”
But what of the actual conspiracy theories that Mr Johnson wasn’t as sick as claimed? Why not just say he’s the PM for the love of Lucifer! They’re going to be over cautious. It’s only sensible. He’s theoretically running the country on behalf of Tufton Street and other vested interests?
“You’re right. He looked proper chirpy in that video for a man who, and I quote, could have gone either way just days ago with a savage, novel respiratory illness that is killing thousands daily.”
The recovery must be a measure of his masculinity. He’s clearly an uberman.
“More a ‘whatever car service will pick you up at 5am’ kinda man from what I’ve heard!” Ms Patel smirked.
So he definitely had a Covid-19 then?
“No.”
Wait. What?
“I looked at the number on his test results myself and he had Covid-300,5838,384,38485.”
Ms Patel, thank you for your time.
“My pleasure. No one has ever said that before. How sweet. Now, where were you born?”