Scientists have isolated a new and particularly virulent strain of coronavirus. It is so deadly that it has already been dubbed “man-covid-19”.
This form of the notorious virus seems to affect men more than women. Panic buying has set in, and many supermarkets have already sold out of video games, snacks, and beer.
“It’s truly remarkable,” remarked strong manly boffin Professor Dulles Dishwater. “It is exactly the same phenomenon that exists with common influenza. It is far deadlier to the male of the species.”
Obviously people want to know what the symptoms of man-covid-19 are.
“For a woman,” began Prof Dishwater, “it manifests as little more than a slight snuffle that goes away after a few days. For a man, however -” and now his tone grew deep and grave – “then there is unceasing catarrh, severe pains in the joints, headache, nausea, and fatigue.”
Not dissimilar to a hangover, in fact.
“And the only advice I can give to stricken men is to keep warm, don’t go to work under any circumstances, and drink plenty of fluids. Preferably alcoholic ones,” he concluded.
Official advice from the government’s officious advisor follows the same template. Prize Ass Minister Boris Johnson has already taken a lead on the matter. He is setting a good example to the country by disappearing from public view.
“This is purely precautionary,” explained Downing Street spokesweeble Devlin de Detail. “While he is indisposed, Dominic Cummings will act as his regent.”
Cummings is popularly supposed to be immune to man-covid-19 on account of his reptilian blood.
The remainder of parliament is expected to follow suit, except, naturally, for the women. Presumably this means far more governmental business will get done in the next two weeks.
The NHS is creaking under the strain. Fortunately, many public houses are helping out by offering a 14 day lock-in to any unfortunate sufferers in the locality.
Now pass me a toilet roll and a case of beer. Self-isolation begins at home.