Wetherspoons, the Brexit beer merchants, are up before the judges on charges of cruelty to animals. The Brexit they craved has driven EU nationals back home, as planned. Unfortunately, this means that there is nobody left to wrap their pigs in blankets.
The recent cold snap resulted in the unlucky beasts dying of hypothermia. Pigs cannot pull a blanket on, since they lack hands and things. The severe chill covering the country since Boris Johnson gained his deadly mandate has resulted in the deaths of ideals, dreams, the Labour party and now innocent porkers.
LCD Views’ Less Than Minimum Wage correspondent brought our concerns to Wetherspoons’ big haired, small faced supremo, Tim Martin.
Why did you permit the death of the pigs, we asked.
“I’m backing Boris to get it done!” he replied. “It’s more important than a few pigs, in fact nothing is more important except my profits!”
Backing Boris has caused the situation, though. The hostile environment and the reign of the send ’em back brigade have caused many non-UK citizens to flee.
“Yeah, but Brexit!” Martin insisted. “It’s a price worth paying!”
You could pay some British people to wrap the pigs up instead.
“Yeah, but the EU makes me pay minimum wage,” he argued. “Three times more than the eastern Europeans would accept. I can’t afford to pay that, how do you think I keep the price of drink so low? The sooner we Brexit properly, the less I can pay people to work longer hours!”
We also heard rumours that the situation has deteriorated so far that there is nobody left prepared to wrap sausages in bacon.
“What do these idiots want?” he exclaimed, losing his rag at last. “Have the all day breakfast, roll your sausage up in your bacon if that’s the way you like it, and leave the black pudding for the next customer!”
We wait for the case to be dismissed, since Martin is clearly on the side of the little man.