Everything’s going metric these days. And why not? It’s a lot easier for everyone to work in tens, hundreds and thousands than all those tricky conversions that imperial measurements demand, and which were only useful for remembering times tables anyway – which nobody really needs to do now that they all have such easy access to calculators.
But the latest step is arguably a step too far. Or to be more accurate, several thousand steps too far.
The Proclaimers are going metric, re-recording their classic hit “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” as “I’m Gonna Be (800 Kilometres)”.
The move has come as Scotland resumes its sabre-rattling on the subject of independence, coupled with a desire to remain in the EU, as the duo, brothers Craig & Charlie Reid explained.
“If we want a Scotland that’s independent of the UK but part of the EU,” Craig said simply, “then we’ll need to get the population used to metric measurements.”
“It’s only the chorus that will need changing anyway” Charlie added. “Everything else is still the same.”
The new chorus will now be:
I would walk eight hundred kilometres and I would walk eight hundred more
To be the man who walks sixteen hundred kilometres to fall down at your door.
Critics have already observed that it doesn’t quite scan as well as the original, but Craig assured me that all the extra syllables do fit. The two twins did sing it to me to demonstrate, and they did just about manage to pull it off.
Nigel Farage was quick to criticise – not that anybody actually asked him for his opinion, he just shouted it to the rooftops anyway.
“No, no, no,” he said. “I’m not going metric for anybody, I refuse to sing those new lyrics. Not that I was a fan of the song in the first place, who walks when they can drive, eh?”
We keep explaining to Farage that we don’t actually require his opinion on every single subject or event but he refuses to get the message and shut up.
Nicola Sturgeon on the other hand has given the project her whole-hearted approval. “I proclaim this will be the new anthem for an independent Scotland,” she said at a press conference.
The new single is out now, with an eye on becoming the Christmas number one.