SALTY TASTY IRON RICH DIETS : Mystery solved today with the explanation as to why Britain’s most famous fire survival expert has been missing from the Tory GE campaign.
“He’s busy drinking the blood of virgins,” a source inside the rambling 12th Century Gothic revival Transylvanian tribute act castle that houses Mogg revealed today, “although why he needs such a big residence when he spends half the day in a coffin is anyone’s guess.”
The drinking of blood has long been thought to restore the vital essences of certain undead life forms and no more so than when facing stiff critique.
“The whole storm in a teacup over his comments regarding scores of people that burned to death in a tower block fire really took its toll,” the source continues, “his hair went lanky and albino. His skin had more folds than a novelty restaurant napkin, his nails pretty much dragged on the ground, and don’t get me started on the wreak of decay his every motion unleashed.”
But while the explanation for his absence from the Conservative GE campaign makes perfect sense, it has also given rise to further controversy.
“Apparently some of the blood is imported,” the source shrugged, “but so what? He’s opened a branch of Somerset Capital in Dublin, so as to mitigate the impact of the economically ruinous Brexit project he’s driving onto poor people. He’s apparently invested millions in Russian banks under international sanctions. So why shouldn’t he be international on blood supply to feed his unquenchable thirst?”
Good question.
“In fact he finds the blood of any virgin quite uplifting.”
Which is exactly how he finds the booming food bank sector.
Drink deep and recuperate. Britain needs a man who knows how to Google phrases in Latin to impress idiots on the stump. And it needs a man who knows when to stand up and when to lie, and lie down.