JUST MAKE SOMETHING GO BANG : A task force is steaming north today after Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered an immediate invasion of the Shetland Islands.
“This has nothing to do with his appalling and shambolic, tone deaf performance on the BBCQT ‘Leaders’ debate last night,” a Downing Street source, given temporary control of the MOD, told LCD Views, “and all to do with a pre-emptive strike against Scotland. There is no reason to release the intelligence report on Russian interference in British politics until after the December 12th GE either. I don’t even know why I’ve mentioned it.”
A pre-emptive strike against Scottish islands is thought very clever in relation to support for the prime minister. Military analysts are working on the assumption it is to head off the eventual nationalisation of the Shetlands by a resurgent Federation of Scotland.
“It’s clear that once Boris Johnson ‘gets brexit done’ that Scotland will secede about half an hour later,” Mr Bumble Bang, lead military encourager at the International Institute for Instituting Less Tolerance, commented, “so an invasion of the prized islands now shows more forethought than we assumed 10 Downing Street possessed.”
Invasions of the Hebrides, Orkney’s, Skye and many others are expected to follow later in the week, as the Prime Minister pursues a strategy of encirclement of Holyrood.
“We expect resistance to be minimal,” the MOD source went on, “largely because we’re sending the leaky aircraft carriers that don’t have any aircraft yet. But just the sight of those giant ships temporarily mooring for repairs in the harbours of the various islands should be enough to lead to an immediate capitulation and the reclaiming of British territory while it’s still British.”
Whether or not this deft move will sufficiently distract from Boris Johnson being shown up for what he is remains to be seen.
“It doesn’t look like anyone is going to invade our islands for us, as the current war is being fought digitally. It’s clear we’re at war because the first casualty has been truth,” the source added, “now let’s wish our brave boys and girls well and hope for a speedy triumph of the North Sea.”