ONE HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW : Brussels have been so quick today to respond to news that Boris Johnson will request a Brexit extension on the 19th October, presuming he can’t get a deal done (it’s not really a deal, it’s an agreement to pull out and then start talking about a deal to only hold hands), that they have already replied.
“A century ought to do it? Don’t you think?” a nonchalant Donald Tusk told a press conference, “and this time, don’t waste the time. Ha!”
But critics have been fast to round on the EU, saying that a millennium would have shown more pragmatism and flexibility.
“We know Johnson is mortal,” a UK commentator said, “except for his feet, which are clay. But we aren’t entirely sure some of the main drivers of Brexit, as an ideological project, are.”
The reason for the critique is certain figures like Jacob Rees-Mogg and Iain Duncan Smith appear to feature in medieval woodcuts of vampires and other ghouls.
“Do you ever see Steve Baker during a full moon? No? Well you do. That giant hairy wolf like dog that runs around the moors of Wycombe once a month, yeah, that’s him. He’s been at it since the 9th century.”
But others were more sanguine over the offer, not least Mr Johnson, who really doesn’t want to go to prison for breaking the law.
“It is perhaps long enough for all the members of the ERG to do the minimum research required into the relative position of the UK both in and out of the UK. Also JIT manufacturing and the impact of leaving the single market on the financial services sector. Although they may need longer to understand what they’ve researched. Priti Patel will welcome it. It’s unlikely the opposition parties will get their act together to form a GNU. This will give her the chance to become ‘the disgraced former Secretary of State’ for pretty much every portfolio. Which is nice.”
Labour are pleased too, stating that Jeremy Corbyn stills expects to be leading Labour next century, claiming for all time the mantle of the most Conservative prime ministers seen off from the opposition benches, while never actually having to take a firm public position on Brexit.
“That’s a bit unlikely to be honest,” the commentator shrugged, “the way the Cons are whittling themselves down there’ll only be Mark Francois left and sooner or later he’ll have to leave to begin Reception.”