ENDANGERED SPECIES TRADERS : Metropolitan Police have released photos tonight of two men in their 50’s wanted in connection with the death of a unicorn outside Buckingham Palace.
The unicorn, believed to be over 300 years old and called Bob, was said to have been knocked down and mortally injured earlier today by two gentleman described as “in appearances socially acceptable, but in intent allegedly criminal”.
The suspects were said to have been attempting to drive a coach and horses at speed through the gates of Buckingham Palace, presumably to threaten the inhabitants of the modest London home. It is understood they will stop at nothing to possess something called Prorogation, which is kept inside the Palace.
But key eyewitnesses on the scene saying they weren’t only driving the coach and horses right at the symbolic centre of British constitutional monarchy, but also drawing a cart behind the coach piled up with steaming bullshit.
“The bullshit is now everywhere. A complete hazard to anyone in the vicinity. The clean up will take time and effort. We ask the general public to be patient as this is achieved,” a Met spokesman said.
Bob itself has been described as elderly, a little eccentric, but generally pragmatic, until recently.
“It could be the suspects were known to Bob,” the Met spokesman added, “according to the unicorn’s handlers he has been experiencing mounting anxiety for sometime and even spoke of specific threats to his very existence. Whether the event was a planned hit as part of organised activities aimed at destabilising and profiteering off a once stable democracy, or accidental, is not yet clear.”
In the meantime anyone with any knowledge of the whereabouts of the suspects is asked to call a confidential hotline and to stay vigilant.