Health Secretary Jeremy C Hunt made the announcement, which went almost unnoticed thanks to Boris Johnson’s diversionary tactics. NHS customers – no longer “patients” – will be expected to arrange their own transport to hospital by booking an Uber ambulance from their mobile phone.
Rather than the current tedious rigmarole, in which you ring 999 and have to justify your needs, now you can bypass the old system using the new streamlined service. A poster campaign is to be rolled out across London and other major UK cities. The slogan will say, “Broken a leg? Book an ambulance using our FREE app!”
Licenced black cabs and independent taxi companies are likely to follow suit. “This will give customers the best possible choice of ambulance provision,” said Hunt to LCD’s Throwing Public Services To The Sharks correspondent. “It will also reduce the time spent waiting for an ambulance, and will release funds to be spent on customer services.”
Uber plan many innovations. There will be a tracking device which allows you to trace the progress of your ambulance. A group pricing scheme will operate, whereby you agree to share an ambulance with fellow customers for a discount. Surge pricing will be applied to reduce demand at peak times.
Already Uber are being undercut (and cut up) by rickshaw drivers. Other options include a “Heritage” ambulance experience, which ranges from a top-of-the-range landau, via horse and cart, to a bloke giving you a fireman’s lift.
Campaigner Ozzy Dodger was not happy with the news. “It’s a disgrace!” he bellowed. “Uber ambulance drivers have no medical training, no DBS checks, in some cases no driving licence! This is typical privatisation behaviour. The public are being told to pay for something inferior that was once free and high quality. This is what ‘efficiency means!”
With that, he stepped into the Uber waiting patiently to take him to his apoplexy management session.