BIT WHIFFY : 10 Downing Street officials have confirmed today the installation of industrial strength air fresheners to deal with the deepening stench of Boris Johnson being in government.
“Well, it’s not actually clear if he is in government,” a Whitehall bod told LCD Views, “sure he has the title of prime minister, but it’s untested, given the Tories gamed the system to let him bugger off for six weeks the moment he got the job. Not a bad start to a new job with massive responsibility. Here, have a six week holiday. Mother of parliaments? Ha! She’s been at mother’s little helper. Or helpers!”
But regardless of what actual power Bojo has, something to be tested from early September, his living at Downing Street has led to a distinctive odour.
“The stench of moral decay is quite something,” the Downing Street official advised, “we’ve tried opening the windows to let air and light in, but both refused to enter.”
So it seems a solution more fitting for this administration was sought?
“Yes. We decided to hack a few limbs off the magic money tree and commission some monumental wall plugs. The power outage in southern England on the weekend was a result of plugging the massive buggers in. So then we had to spend more money to upgrade the power network to cope. But still, you smell it. Silent fart in a lift smell. Unmistakable. But of course we know who owns it.”
Tourist officials have also expressed concern, with football around Whitehall falling after reports of visitors unused to UK national politics becoming nauseous and even vomiting.
“Hopefully Boris Johnson’s time in Downing Street will be short lived,” the official hoped, “11 Downing Street is putrid with hypocrisy also. To clear them both out will be a relief. Praise be.”
But what should ordinary Londoners do to handle the smell, until the cure arrives?
“Take to the sewers,” the official shrugged, “you’ll have to contend with fatbergs, but you’ll get some fresh air. Relatively speaking.”