World War Three is almost upon us. The signs are all present: a government out of control, the press propagating propaganda, and stockpiling food.
The only difference this time is that the aggressor is not the Germans. The UK is going, gloriously, to war against the UK.
The traitors, saboteurs and enemies of the people will line up against the moderates who would rather stay in the EU.
People holidaying on beaches are preparing to fight for the right to erect a blue flag.
A flotilla of lilos and other inflatables is being prepared to rescue valiant Tommy Robinson supporters from the sandbanks, cut off by the rising tide.
Ration books are being produced, secretly, on the cheap in France. They will serve no valid purpose, but will raise morale by having blue covers.
The cry of “Dig For Britain!” has gone up. This means trendy people in London will be able to harvest their own avocados by the time other food supplies are cut off next March.
Meanwhile in mainland Europe, amusement reigns. “Ve vill vatch vhile zey beat zemselves up,” said Hans Together, rubbing his palms. “And none of ze scheisse about ze Chermans putting towels down!”
“Eet ees, ‘ow you say, ‘ilarious,” agreed Cherie Picking. “‘op off, you rosbifs! And ’ands off le vin blanc and le Camembert!”
Hard cheese for the valiant Brits in their uncivil war is the message from Europe, it seems and only the devotees of the cult of Farage are surprised.
The BBC is doing its bit for the war effort. It is producing a special edition of Casualty, in which the patient is the truth.
The death penalty is being brought back, for “people we don’t like,” according to a government spokesman. People are rejoicing as traditional trades, like constructing gallows, return.
So the Wars of the Passports are due to kick off. It’s burgundy versus blue. Sharpen your rhetoric and polish your speeches. Don’t forget your tinfoil hats!