PORKY TORY : “Boris Johnson is capable of forming a stable government” outgoing prime minister Theresa May is expected to tell Queen Elizabeth sometime this week.
”It will be Maybot’s biggest whopper yet,” a palace insider told LCD Views, “I mean she doesn’t exactly have a reputation for honesty as it is. She’s thought to have started off lying to Her Majesty about stitching up the deal with the DUP when she hadn’t. So it’s a kind of symmetry I suppose. End as she started.”
But the exact wording the Brexit patsy, Theresa May, will use isn’t certain, as she may attempt a bit of fudge.
“I’m hoping she’ll say something like, as stable as any of his romantic relationships, give the old girl a bit of wriggle room,” one of the Maybot’s technicians said, “trying to code it into her right now. There’s a chance the Queen will smell a rat though and just say no.”
And how stable any Boris Johnson government will be will be decided by Brexit anyway. The creature he helped birth into the world, most of it from his arse.
“I don’t think everyone should be too discouraged if Johnson gets into No 10,” our political analyst says, “can you imagine each day the list of people, MPs, he hasn’t called back, who have phoned him up the day before to threaten him if he doesn’t give them what they want. He has a majority of sweet f all. He’s going to sink and sink fast.”
It’s certain of course we’ll hear a lot more now of “keep Jeremy Corbyn out of Downing Street” from Boris and co, which will just perplex the massive wedge of floating voters Johnson will have to grab to win a bigger majority at the inevitable GE.
“Jeremy Corbyn is quite capable of keeping himself out of government,” our analyst noted, “as the succession of other leaders in government, without him having a sniff of power, just proves. I would focus on other things. Like how to revoke article 50 and not be the last prime minister of the United Kingdom.”
In the meantime Ms May is putting on her kitten heels, her billion dollar leather trousers and a necklace up-cycled from a frigate’s anchor chain and getting ready to go and see the Queen, for the last time.
I’d like to say, see, it’s not all bad, at least the aged monarch no longer has to put up with the terrified and neurotic rabbit in Brexit’s headlights, but of course, right after May it’s send in the clown…