WE’RE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES : Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt has been on the blower to Brussels overnight to underscore the demand from German carmakers that the EU send a naval task force to the Strait of Hormuz to protect British ships.
“EU army bad, EU navy good,” a spokesman for Mr Hunt told LCD Views, “we’re very adaptable to circumstances. On the good days when we are high after drinking our own piss and believe we can conquer the world, again, the EU can go whistle. On the bad days? When we’re low and feeling really small, well it’s only right that they step up to the plate and help an old friend out. After all, they need us more than we need them.”
And the credible threat of lower prosecco imports into the UK is not the only reason the EU has responded rapidly to the latest British request.
“They’re simply a lot more mature than us. Consider that the Foreign Secretary asking them to help recently compared them to the Soviet tyranny?” the spokesman shrugged, “but we’re having more fun at Global Britain plc. We’re here for a good time, not a long time! Yay Brexit! It’s made us shameless.”
But while British registered shipping may breathe a little easier, once the multi-national union of naval assets appears to escort them through the Strait of Hormuz, the UK had better hope that the next time Donald Trump tricks us into doing something stupid the EU is still there to pick up the pieces.
“We have a special relationship with the EU,” the spokesman added, “we’re like an immature, ex-boyfriend who’s walked out to shag about, but always ends up on the phone at 5am, drunk, lost in the centre of town, no wallet and needing a lift home. It’s just a good thing the EU knows they needs us more than we need them.”
Whether or not the EU is actually feeling schadenfreude over the ships we don’t know, as they’re too mature to tell us publicly. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?