DONE UP LIKE A KIPPER : The favourite to replace Theresa May as the UK’s worst living prime minister, Boris de piffle Alexander the not great Johnson, took to the stage of the final Tory leadership hustings last night holding his target voter.
“He’s been getting geographical advice from Dominic Raab,” a disgruntled audience bloater (who bizarrely is expecting sensible government to return via his party) grumbled, “he was banging on about EU red tape and its impact on an Isle of Man fish smoker, but the Isle of Man is neither in the EU nor the UK. It’s a crown dependency. So what’s the relevance of that? Except to show that our exporters are going to have a harder time out of the EU? Which they won’t. Because we’re Global Britain and the world’s most powerful trading bloc will clearly just lie down before us if we just believe in Brexit enough.”
Suspicions that waving the smoked herring about the stage was simply a misleading and irrelevant distraction have followed the stunt, but also concerns over the UK’s supply of dead cats.
“It makes a change from throwing a dead cat on the table,” the bloater sighed, “maybe Donald Trump has used up this week’s international supply of racism?”
All that said, the red herring was well received by most audience members, as reality is no longer necessary.
“By waving one of us on stage he shows how much he cares about kippers,” a kipper kippered, “we just have to believe in Boris and the whole of the UK will be done up like a kipper. Which will be nice.”