Prime Minister in waiting, Boris Johnson, has endeared himself to the British public by calling the French ‘turds’. Cries of gleeful Francophobia at this latest gaffe must wait, though. I misspoke, claims Boris.
“It just slipped out,” said a contrite Boris the next day. “It’s tough at the top, pressure from all sides. Cannons to the left of me, cannons to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Brexit is ours to do and die, and I will do it even if it kills me!”
And what has all that got to with the French?
“Yes, yes, yes, I was coming to that,” bluffed Boris. “Of course, the natural insult for the French is ‘Frogs’, but that’s so old school. I meant to say ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’. That would look good painted on the side of a bus!”
Even one made from wine boxes?
“It’s my latest project!” burbled Boris. “I am going to paint my entire manifesto on the sides of buses, so I never need turn up to a hustings again!”
We fully expect buses, childishly painted, to replace debate in the coming weeks. Expect slogans like ‘Fuck business!’, ‘We will leave on 31 October unless I chicken out!’, and ‘I don’t negotiate with turds cheese eating surrender monkeys!’ The standard of discourse is predicted to improve greatly.
LCD Views’ Pardon My French correspondent, Didi Saythat, did his best to analyse Johnson’s amorphous waffling.
“He’s taking bollocks as usual,” was Saythat’s considered opinion. “Making it up as he goes along. I expect he did say ‘turds’, and the BBC conspired to cover it up, probably with lots of toilet paper. It’s a tissue of lies!”
Incredibly, the Daily Mail, of all papers, detected the skidmark and brought it to public notice. We can only assume that the Mail supports Jeremy C. Hunt as Tory leader.
And what about the French? Boris again: “Let them eat cheese.”