LIVE AND LEARN : The famous University of Life, Little England campus, is to get a massive boost from Downing Street of £39n to combat the devious EU’s new university alliance.
“The money will come from telling the EU to go whistle for the £39bn they are attempting to extort from hardworking British taxpayers over Brexit,” Mr A Salty, junior minister at DCMS, told LCD Views, “if they’re not going to give us everything we’re shouting at them for then it’s clear they DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH and they can’t have our money.”
While the EU initiative will allow students to seamlessly transfer between 114 different colleges across the EU members states, the British initiative is much better because it allows students to transfer between one campus.
It’s believed the attractiveness of never leaving home to proper English students will see them choose the University of Life over any useless EU27 location.
“They won’t get fancy, continental, la dee da ideas staying at home,” Mr Salty says, “and the campus will have special celebrity tutors such as Professors Bridgen, Dorries, Jenkyns and Francois who will talk about how they survived the blitz. In fact the curriculum will be entirely WW2 focused, with some time spent on one World Cup. This will better equip University of Life graduates for the challenges of appearing on BBC Question Time in the years to come. And of course to take advantages of the opportunities afforded by Brexit.”
Other courses pencilled in will expand the units available at the all English campuses.
“Buccaneering and piracy in general. This is to ensure we have the right kind of free trade negotiators graduating from our lower education system.”
And there’s no need to worry about spaces available for proper English patriots.
“As soon as Brexit happens on the 31st October everyone in the UK will be auto-enrolled in the University of Life. So Brussels can take a hike!”
And we hear there’s even a new slogan for the University of Life, to really show the meddling, unelected technocrats in Brussels that we mean business!
“Lustrum off! Plenum es nobis” or translated into a proper language, “Bog off! We’re full!”